I walked up the soft, brown stairs, my legs heavy and my arms sagging down from my shoulder. I had a long and crazy day at school. All I could think of was going into my room and sleeping but I knew I couldn’t sleep yet. I had homework to do and I had chores to do. When I walked in, there on the floor, was already a piece of mess I had left behind from the morning. I shook my head and picked it up and threw it somewhere inside the room. I was in no mood to clean up.
My room always felt different from the rest of the world. It’s a feeling that lets me show my true personality. When I’m outside my room, I’m usually a different person. Once the door closes, I let myself run loose and run free. When I’m happy, I’m listening to music and dancing. When I’m mad, I pace around the room, thinking about how I can let it out without hurting anyone. When I’m sad, I’m lying on my bed, face down, letting the pillow absorb the tears that are escaping my eyes.
Every emotion I’ve had has been captured by this room. When I’m tired, there’s the scattered pillows and blanket to show. The socks, t-shirts, shorts, and jeans all over the floor is from when I’m rushing to leave the house in the morning. I wouldn’t have time to even put my clothes back to how neatly folded it was before. Then there is the mess of papers and books next to my desk, some probably from my middle school days or even my elementary. I would be a school “nerd”, just sitting on my desk and doing my home work. When I finish, it would be too late into the night to grab my books and put it away neatly. The way my desk is arranged shows a time that I was “OCD” because everything is straight and my books are set is from biggest to smallest. There are the pictures on the wall that have some of my best memories.
This isn’t only my room; it’s my older sister’s too. Actually, it was once owned by 3 of my sisters. Yes, it’s amazing to fit so much people, yet alone, so much bed in one room. And it wasn’t a big room either. Then once the oldest one moved out for college, it was just for two people. Then the next oldest left and finally, I was allowed to move in. I was happy, even though it wasn’t my own. I had my own place. A place to call “my room”, my sister wasn’t that happy I was moving in but she dealt with it and later found that it’s actually interesting to share a room with me. Mostly because, outside of our room, we constantly fight but once were inside, we share everything with each other, our secrets and our problems. She helps me with my problems and I do the same with her. We both keep each other’s secrets from anyone else, especially our parents.
The fact that so much of us have used this room, I feel that this room has many secrets and many memories, happy, sad, and even mad memories. A lot of things happened in here and all of us know what it is. Every mess, every scratch, every object, and every filth means something in this room. And now, it means a lot to me, they all indicate a feeling I’ve had.
From: Shaneika Aguilar
ReplyDeleteIdeas: Very good with describing what is in your room and why your room is organized that way. You could add some examples or some special memories that signify the importance of your room.
Organization: As far as organization goes, you could slow down your pace at the ending. It seems as though your essay ended abruptly. Good job on separating the different topics of your room from each other. For example, your third paragraph talks about your clothing and your fourth paragraph talks about you and your sisters sharing the room. It keeps the reader focused on what you are talking about, rather than jumping to different subtopics at once.
Voice: Your essay shows a lot of voice. I can really tell that your are actually writing this and not someone else. Just by the way you speak and write your essay gives your essay a little authenticity. However, you can add more significance to your essay. For example, you could tell us some of the secrets that you shared with your sister, but you don't have to tell us all the specifics about the secret. Just the moment that you had with her. Show us that that was an important moment for you.
Word Choice: I feel you can be a little more specific. For example, in your last paragraph, you use words like happy, sad, and mad. Specify these memories. Tell us what happy memories, what sad, or what mad memories made your room special. Give some significance about the room. Then, your readers will fully understand what you are trying to say and why your room is important to you. :)
Ideas: Very good with describing what is in your room and why your room is organized that way. You could add some examples or some special memories that signify the importance of your room.
ReplyDeleteOrganization: As far as organization goes, you could slow down your pace at the ending. It seems as though your essay ended abruptly. Good job on separating the different topics of your room from each other. For example, your third paragraph talks about your clothing and your fourth paragraph talks about you and your sisters sharing the room. It keeps the reader focused on what you are talking about, rather than jumping to different subtopics at once.
Voice: Your essay shows a lot of voice. I can really tell that your are actually writing this and not someone else. Just by the way you speak and write your essay gives your essay a little authenticity. However, you can add more significance to your essay. For example, you could tell us some of the secrets that you shared with your sister, but you don't have to tell us all the specifics about the secret. Just the moment that you had with her. Show us that that was an important moment for you.
Word Choice: I feel you can be a little more specific. For example, in your last paragraph, you use words like happy, sad, and mad. Specify these memories. Tell us what happy memories, what sad, or what mad memories made your room special. Give some significance about the room. Then, your readers will fully understand what you are trying to say and why your room is important to you. :)
Ideas: It makes me feel nostalgic about my days sharing a room with my sister and coming back from insane days at school. Really good for connecting with the audience. One thing I’d add would be a couple extra thoughts and or memories about you and your sister. The description of your room wasn’t lacking, however. The clothes, the size, the pillows all added up to the memories/emotions you’d feel in your room.
ReplyDeleteOrganization: It’s great, your organization. A long day to a messy room to your own emotions to nostalgia leading up to the now. It’s simple, but rather powerful in my opinion.
Voice: The ‘I had a long and crazy day at school’ struck me first. Everyone’s gone through it. No one likes it. And you know your day isn’t over. I really liked the ‘Every emotion I’ve had has been captured by this room’ line. That was pretty; it makes me think of a snapshot and the memories are within the photo.
Word Choice: I think your word choice was a little sketchy. Instead of using the ‘…happy, sad, and even mad memories.’ you could’ve used ‘bright, tearful, and even heated memories’ instead for an example.
Hi Rebekah,
ReplyDeleteI can tell that your room is important to you. And, like your teammates, I like the contrast between the outside world and the world of your room.
Here, then, are my recommendations: Right now your description of your room is specific and yet not specific. For example, the paragraphs about how you show your emotions in the room. Rather than describe, in general, how your respond, it would be stronger to briefly mention a specific incident or situation in which you felt that emotion.
And a comment on mechanics:
Use "much" about something you cannot count: "My room is the source of much contentment for me."
Use "many" for something you can count: "I share many memories of this room." "Many family members have called this room home."
good job :)
mrs s