College Draft: Critique Ready "Just To Help"

I found this college essay topic for USC:

The 18th century French philosopher Denis Diderot said, "Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things." Describe one of your passions and reflect on how it has contributed to your personal growth.

My passion has always been to help people. I always felt the need to help out everyone around me, even if i didn't know what they needed help with. I haven't realized this until my freshman year in high school. I always tend to tell people "call me if you need anything" and when they do, I would drop what Im doing and do my best to help them out.

Looking back to it, I just did it like it was a natural instinct. I loved helping people and I loved the feeling that it gave me in the end. The feeling of accomplishment, even though it wasn't my own. I felt like I made a difference by showing someone how to do a thing or two. I always thought it was my way of relieving myself of the guilt of never helping out with my own family when they needed it. I always took from my family and never actually gave back. So when I went out to the world, to my school, I would help everyone as much as I could. Now I realize it's not because I was trying to get rid of my guilt. I just loved to do it.

I remember a point in my life during elementary when I wasn't close to my friends, well I was but not really. I talked to them, hung out with them, and shared secrets but it still felt like I was distant from them. Then time went on and during 7th grade in middle school, I was still the same. Until I told my friend "I can help you out with that, just ask if you need anything". Later that night, she called me. I wasn't expecting it but I was glad she did. We talked on the phone for over an hour. The first 30 minutes was me trying to help her with her math homework but as she finished, we went on to talking more and more about everything else and we became close. This night made me feel like I closed that distance with someone. I was actually close with her.

Helping people made me who I am now. It seemed so normal for me to take from my family but it was never right for me to take from other people. I always gave. I gave them my knowledge and my opinions, and this made me feel good about myself. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." I was told of this quote during my 6th grade year and it stuck with me until now. Whenever I helped someone, I always taught them how to do it, never gave them the answer until they really needed it but after I did give it, i'd ask them if they knew how i got that answer. Helping people became my passion, it's something that i wanna do and i wouldn't mind doing even if i'm busy with my own stuff. Its the reason why I live the life i live now, the reason why i know the people i know, and the reason why I feel good about getting up each day, because I know that when I get up, I could find a chance to help someone out, in some way.

3 comments:

  1. Hey Bekah :)
    I love you're main theme for this essay.
    I feel your personality shine through this essay.
    Hmmm.....I don't think I have any real suggestions for you.
    I myself am trying to find a great topic for my essay, so sorry if I'm not much of a help.

    I think you could revise this sentence:
    I remember a point in my life during elementary when I wasn't close to my friends, well I was but not really.

    Maybe you could just say...
    There was a point in my elementary years where I wasn't as close to my friends as I am now.

    Other than that....you're passion is so vivid in this essay. I really hope I can write something like this. I really mean this genuinely..... Good Job Bekah. Your essay is profound.

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  2. Hey Rebekah!

    Rebekah.....Helping person?????? hmmm...
    Well of course! In your essay, talking about you helping people is a really good topic for because it is so true. (:

    I feel that you repeated the same idea of not being close with your friends in the 3rd paragraph. Like what Isabelle said, I think you should revise that sentence in the 3rd paragraph in some other way.

    I think you should "show" a little more. I feel that you are just "telling". Remember, in the words of Mrs.S, "show, not tell" :D. Try giving more examples where you have helped people, not only in homework. For example, you could also add times where you have helped a person by influencing their life, helping someone getting through their crisis, or something. You want to add more examples that really made you humble and proud. That way, administrators would see the real you. If you add more examples where you have helped others that seem personal, but not too personal, I think you should add them because I know that you have had many times where you have helped people with school and drama and other problems. Adding these will also make your voice even stronger.

    Just keep in mind, "show, not tell"!!!!
    I know that you have had many many many many many times helping others. Put some in, and you'll have a great essay! Have a variety of examples where you helped others. mmmmkay????? haha. k bye now. :DDDD

    -Traci

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  3. Hi Rebekah,
    Like Isabelle and Traci, I think you've chosen a great topic. Helping people is definitely one of your passions :)

    What I'd recommend for the revision is that you, as Traci recommends, do more "show, not tell."

    I would also suggest that you think of the best specific examples and organize them by types of helping. Traci mentions help with school work and help with "drama." Those are two different kinds of help so they'd go in different paragraphs. You also help out with stuff like tech...I know I've been the recipient of that help many times :) You're always there for your class at Homecoming and other times to offer your Final Cut editing and production skills.

    Again, keep it specific...use dialog if necessary...bring it to life :)

    Good luck...let me know if you have questions.
    mrs s

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