Interdependence, it happens every day and all the time. We don’t even notice it. It mostly happens with our family. Every single day, we depend our parents to put a roof over our head, give us food to eat, and clothes to wear. We depend on our brothers and sisters to help us when our parent’s can’t. And they depend on us to help them, by cleaning up around the house, cooking when they can’t, and doing our schoolwork to show that we are trying.
There are other times like during main events. Once was during a birthday party- my sister’s and I- and we were hosting it at our pool. As much as I love to party, I hated setting up for it. My family can get frustrated easily and most of the times, at each other.
“Huff, huff” I was running out our door, to the garage, and into the hot sun. As the car pulled away, I waved my arms and yelled “wait, WAAIT!” The car stopped with me right in front of it. I was jumping up and down since the ground was burning up.
“What?” my sister yelled out the window as I walked over.
“Mom said to start the grill at the pool” I told her, still jumping up and down.
“OK” My sister said as she pulled away.
My job, as usual was to send messages from one person to the other. It was a tiring job; having to run after people to tell them (did I mention it was hot?).And since no one bothered to keep their phone anymore, it made my job harder. I also had to gather all the things they say to grab and either put it in the car or walk to the pool with it. My mom was at the pool, telling us what we need to bring. My dad was at our house, cooking and bringing out things we need. My brother and sister were taking turns with the car (if one is driving, the other is at one location, helping). I was in both locations, taking messages. Most of the time, my job would get harder because we were tired and no one would listen to the messages I’m trying to relay to them.
The madness was near to its end. Everything was ready at the pool, a couple of guests have arrived, and only a couple more things to get from the house. I walked slowly to the pool, carrying a bagful of cooking utensils and another bag with condiments. My cousin was passing by me and he slowed down and waited for me to catch up.
“Need a ride?” He asked
“Ok thanks” I answered as I got into his car.
When we got to the pool, food was laid out on the tabletop and everyone was around it, grabbing food and chatting happily. Not wanting the food to run out before I got there, I quickly put the utensils and condiments by the sink and grabbed the paper plate. My auntie was in front of me and started chatting with me. I kept nodding my head, only paying attention to the tasty food set in front of me. When I finished grabbing my food, I took a seat next to my sisters. We chatted, talking about which food was delicious and which food was unpleasant. There was a lot of agreement and disagreement, causing a short argument between two of my sisters. I stood up and took in the moment. Each table was filled with a group of family chattering and laughing. Then I heard something I didn’t expect.
“BEK! Go back to the house and grab the radio!” My mom yelled across the pavilion.
I gave her an exhausted look. I turned to face my sister, she read my expression and grabbed the car keys and stood up.
One serving of ‘Don’t Hold Back’ coming right up:
ReplyDeleteYou’re constantly switching back and forth between present tense and past tense- just stick to one. For example:
“The madness was near to its end. Everything was ready at the pool, a couple of guests have arrived, and only a couple more things to get from the house. I walked slowly to the pool, carrying a bagful of cooking utensils and another bag with condiments. My cousin was passing by me and he slowed down and waited for me to catch up.”
If you picked past tense, which you probably should since this has already happened; I’d revise it this way:
“The madness was near its end. Everything was ready at the pool; a couple of guests had already arrived. There were only a couple more things to get from the house. I walked slowly to the pool as I carried a bagful of cooking utensils and another bag with condiments. My cousin was passed by me and slowed down so I could catch up to him.”
I know, Mrs. Sueoka, don’t kill me for just giving Rebekah and entire revised paragraph. But in all honesty, I think if I just gave her a couple sentences to work with and nothing around it to base the rest of the essay on, she’d be in more shambles than she already is.
There’s also a frequent repetition of words, like, ‘chatting’, ‘depend’, and ‘can’t’. Change it up, it gives your essay some extra spice. Don’t use the parentheses. Reword the contents of the parenthesis into the surrounding sentences or cut them out completely. When you’re using dialogue”blah”, your next ideas should follow it, starting a new paragraph isn’t necessary.
“I answered as I got into his car. When we got to the pool...”
That should be one paragraph.
Now, there’s also a paragraph you should cut into two:
“I kept nodding my head, only paying attention to the tasty food set in front of me. When I finished grabbing my food...”
Down the middle. Splice that.
Your ‘huffs’ in your 3rd paragraph—either delete that or do this:
“…at each other.
Huff—
Huff—
I was running...”
Ok, final thing: there are a couple sentences that could be one whole sentence. Either, one sentence’s ending pertains to the previous sentences ending, and you could combine those two to make a whole. Ok, I’m done, go get me flour for RC.
-Jordie
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHEYYY BEK BEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
ReplyDeleteWell, let’s get started on this comment shall we?
First…I’m gunna check your grammar and punctuation. Some of these sentences don’t make sense. Correct me if I’m wrong.
(Paragraph #1) :D
~Nice introduction…It grasp my attention and made ME think about my own family ~
-Grammar issues-
“Interdependence, it happens every day and all the time. We don’t even notice it.” I think this sounds funny. Try rewording this sentence. It should go something like this: “Interdependence, it happens every day and all the time even if we don’t notice it.” Sounds better huh?
“Every single day, we depend our parents to put a roof over our head, give us food to eat, and clothes to wear.” In this sentence, you are missing an “on” in between we and our……. “Every single day, we depend on our parents to put a roof over our head, give us food to eat, and clothes to wear.”
Try to not start sentences with “AND” for instance: “We depend on our brothers and sisters to help us when our parent’s can’t. And they depend on us to help them, by cleaning up around the house, cooking when they can’t, and doing our schoolwork to show that we are trying.” You can replace the word “And they” by simply stating “Our siblings” so it goes a little something like this: “We depend on our brothers and sisters to help us when our parent’s can’t. Our siblings depend on us to help them, by cleaning up around the house, cooking when they can’t, and doing our schoolwork to show that we are trying.”
Paragraph 2:D
-Grammar Issues-
“There are other times like during main events. Once was during a birthday party- my sister’s and I- and we were hosting it at our pool.” Rebekah, you can reword this wayyy better. I say the first sentence is not necessary and just start off the paragraph like this… “On (place date here) my sister and I were hosting our birthday party at the pool.” Or something along those lines….Up to you. Point being, it makes this paragraph stronger by showing and not telling.
“As much as I love to party, I hated setting up for it. My family can get frustrated easily and most of the times, at each other.” In the first sentence, it sounds like you’re going back and forth on present and past. The part “As much as I love to party” is in the present, but the sentence “I hated setting up for it” is in the past. Make up your mind on whether your explaining in past tense or present if in past then it should say something like “As much as I love to party, I hate to set up for it.” You catch my drift?
Paragraph 3:D
“The car stopped with me right in front of it.” ---- I would correct this sentence, but honestly, I have NO idea what you’re trying to say.
“I was jumping up and down since the ground was burning up.”------- The sentence would go a lot smoother if you replaced “up” in “burning up” with “my feet”. So it would sound like “I was jumping up and down since the ground was burning my feet.”
Paragraph 4:D
“My job, as usual was to send messages from one person to the other. It was a tiring job; having to run after people to tell them (did I mention it was hot?). And since no one bothered to keep their phone anymore, it made my job harder.” The sentence “having to run after people to tell them” sounds redundant. You already stated what your job was. Another thing wrong with this phrase is that you started off with the word “AND” again. One thing I suggest is combining the phrases. So it would sound like “It was a tiring job and since no one bothered to keep their phone anymore, it made my job harder.”
_OKAY. Sorry! Too many letters….Continuing on Paragraph 4
ReplyDelete“I also had to gather all the things they say to grab and either put it in the car or walk to the pool with it. My mom was at the pool, telling us what we need to bring.” It seems to me that you’re talking in past tense because of words like “had and was” If you want to keep the “Past” Concept then you need to change the words in “say” and “need” to “said” and “needed”. But if you’re aiming for the present concept, then you should change the small words like “had and was” because it REALLY affects your paper.
PARAGRAPH 5:
“The madness was near to its end. Everything was ready at the pool, a couple of guests have arrived, and only a couple more things to get from the house. I walked slowly to the pool, carrying a bagful of cooking utensils and another bag with condiments. My cousin was passing by me and he slowed down and waited for me to catch up.” Okay Jordie already revised this part for you, so follow her advice.
Paragraph 6:
“I gave her an exhausted look. I turned to face my sister, she read my expression and grabbed the car keys and stood up.”---The only thing is taking out the first “and” in “expression and grabbed” and replace it with a comma.
Ideas: After reading proof reading your essay and reading JordieKAI’s comment, I agree with “JORDIE-KAI”…lolz…Your paper switches from past to present constantly. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or what, but I think if you stick to one tense then it would make your paper more clear.
Organization: All of your paragraphs flowed nicely. I think I understand the concept: Again, correct me if I’m wrong:
Paragraph 1: Introduction on interdependence
Paragraph 2: Going into your personal experience “Birthday Party”
Paragraph 3: A conversation related to prepping for the Birthday
Paragraph 4: Explaining what each person does to contribute to this party and how hard your role is throughout the party
Paragraph 5: Setting up for the party is almost over
Paragraph 6: Everything’s complete and everyone is enjoying their food
Voice: I hear “Rebekah” in this essay, mostly because you are relating the theme to a personal experience. In the end, I can relate to the feeling when you are exhausted and finally beginning to rest, then all of a sudden you have to do more….. I hate that feeling as well!! :,[
Word choice: You have good word choices because you explain interdependency by showing not telling. You have a few grammar errors due to the “past and present” mix up.
Overall I enjoyed your essay, because it grasped my attention and I can relate to your situation. But, just follow my comments then I think you’ll be okay….
HOPE THIS HELPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Rebekah,
ReplyDeleteGood job of using specific details in your essay. By the end of the essay, I could feel your exhaustion :)
My comments focus on ideas and organization:
For your revision, I suggest starting with the story, converting more of it to narrative, and then putting in a short reference to interdependence at the end.
Right now, the explanation occurs throughout the essay and kind of detracts from the "show, not tell." If you used the details and dialogue of your family's preparations for the party to show their interdependence, you would not need to explain your job, etc.
Then, at the end, you could provide the insight of the experience and your understanding of interdependence.
Your teammates commented a lot on your conventions, but I think it would have been helpful for them to have commented on the "big picture" a bit more thoroughly.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s
Your essay is good and organized. You showed your own personal experiences in your essay. Your word choice was simple, but it made it easier for me to understand. However, your essay has some grammatical errors.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1 :
Overall this paragraph is good just a few grammar errors.
For example :
"Every single day, we depend our parents to put a roof over our head, give us food to eat, and clothes to wear."
*Shouldn't you add the word ON between "depend" and "our" ?
"We depend on our brothers and sisters to help us when our parent’s can’t. And they depend on us to help them, by cleaning up around the house, cooking when they can’t, and doing our schoolwork to show that we are trying."
*You should just say siblings instead of saying "brothers and sisters". Don't start a sentence with the word AND.
Paragraph 2 :
Grammar errors
"There are other times like during main events. Once was during a birthday party- my sister’s and I- and we were hosting it at our pool."
* Reword this part of the paragraph because the way you have it now makes it hard to understand. It should be, " Once during a birthday party, my sisters and I were hosting it at our pool."
paragraph 3:
Grammar errors
"And since no one bothered to keep their phone anymore, it made my job harder."
**Once again, don't start off with the word AND.
" I also had to gather all the things they say to grab..."
**replace the word SAY with SAID.
Paragraph 4&5:
Nothing Wrong in this paragraphs.