essay draft

I smiled at the sight I was seeing. There was chattering and laughter filling the whole pavilion. I could hear my cousins yelling and chasing each other playfully. Then I heard my dad taking out a bag of ice, I looked at him in confusion. He didn’t need so much ice for a drink and he could’ve kept it in the freezer. Then he turned around and took out 3 bottles. One that I recognized immediately from the white, clear cubes, all squeezed in together, it was a bottle of macapuno (sweetened coconut meat). I saw my sisters looking at the same thing as me. We all knew what it was, the ingredients for halo-halo.
My dad took out the rest of the ingredients, all cold. As soon as he took out the shave ice machine I was already next to him with a glass and eager to make mine. But I wasn’t the only one, my sisters and my cousins were next to me too. My dad chuckled; he said “Don’t hurt each other” and walked away. I started filling my cup with the stuff I wanted, first a spoonful of the soft, brown sweetened kidney beans. Next the big, green garbanzos (chickpeas) and the golden yellow slices of langka (jackfruit). Then a spoonful of the small and yellow sweetened corn kernels. I got a cup of ice and poured it in the shave ice machine, as it was grinding, making little pieces of clear ice, a drop of sweat rolled down my head. I could already taste it in my mouth.
I added the shaved ice and poured the condensed milk. I added a portion of the custard on top of it. It was still screaming for something, there was something missing. I knew it right away; I opened the freezer and saw it, ube ice cream. I opened the box and the cold, purple dessert was revealed. I grabbed a spoonful and added in on top of my halo-halo. It was done. Water was trickling down the side of it from the chilly ice. I gulped, my stomach was screaming for it. The colorful bottom, then a huge white part from the ice and on top a big purple piece of creamy ube.
After I finished eating it, I could still taste the ube in my tongue. My mind and my brain were satisfied. I couldn’t help but smile. I looked around and nearly every table in the pavilion had someone eating a glass of halo-halo. I sat down by my dad and he said, “I was afraid to get mobbed by our hungry family, just like how my dad was”. We laughed at the sight of my sister feeding it to my nephew. I couldn’t help but feel the sense of happiness from this day. Mostly because, it was the first time I ate halo-halo in a long time. But also from the happiness that it brought to my family.

3 comments:

  1. hey rebekah,
    Thanks for posting up your essay!!! Now I can finally review it.... I know I'm not suppose to be reviewing yours, but Jordy's isn't up. If you read this comment can you comment on mine too?? Thanks. Oh this is Maddie by the way.

    I liked how your essay flowed from the beginning to end. But, there are some parts in your essay that you can elaborate more on so that the reader would get a sense of what's going on. For example, " I added the shaved ice and poured the condensed milk." If you showed what was going on rather then tell then your essay would be a lot better. "Water was trickling down the side of it from the chilly ice." Even though this was very descriptive, you should explain what "it" was.

    In the beginning when you said "I smiled at the sight I was seeing. There was chattering and laughter filling the whole pavilion. I could hear my cousins yelling and chasing each other playfully. Then I heard my dad taking out a bag of ice", If you showed what happened rather then tell, then I think your beginning would be stronger and would grasp the readers attention.

    Throughout your essay there was some parts that you throughly explained like "Then a spoonful of the small and yellow sweetened corn kernels. I got a cup of ice and poured it in the shave ice machine, as it was grinding, making little pieces of clear ice, a drop of sweat rolled down my head. I could already taste it in my mouth." So there was parts that you elaborated on.
    Overall, as i read the essay, it made my mouth water... then again I haven't eaten any thing yet sooo. ANYWAYS if it made m mouth water then your essay was good. But like i explained, try to focus more on showing the reader what was going on.

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  2. OMG!! Thank you for posting your essay. I have been waiting for days and panicking. Anyway, you could be a little more descriptive. Be more specific and don't use words like "stuff" and "feel" and "something." It doesn't really state what you are wanting.

    Show more of what is happening and not telling. For example, your beginning sentences aren't too specific. When you said that you were "smiling at the sight you were seeing," show us what you are seeing and exactly what is happening. For example, you could say: "A smile grew on my face as I stepped out onto the pavilion. My eyes caught sight of family members gathered together in a circle, falling back on their chairs as they told their stories." You can put this in your essay, just remember to be more specific and describe what you can see and what is happening. Don't use words like "chattering, laughter, yelling, and chasing." These words are more for telling not showing. Use strong verbs as well.

    Be more descriptive when it comes to what you are doing. Also, add some quotes from your interview. This will make your essay more authentic and will give the essay a stronger vibe. This way the reader knows the importance of Halo-Halo through the quotes. Add some sensory details, such as what you can hear, see, smell, taste, and feel. Also, give us a memorable time when the Halo-Halo really played an important role in your life.

    It seems as though you are trying really hard to be very specific when it comes to describing what is going on. Good, but not good enough. We want to know what is going on. Show rather than tell.

    Another example that I wanted to give to you to elaborate on what I mean to be more specific: "After I finished eating, I could still taste the ube in my tongue." Ok, here's th problem, you are not using strong verbs and you didn't describe what happened when you were eating it. Did you scarf it down , did your "inner beast" get released out of you, and such." Here is what I want to read, excluding the "after I finised eating" part of the sentence: "The soft and creamy ube ice cream lingered at the tips of my tongue." In this sentence, "lingered" is one of the verbs you can use to describe what is going on. It basically tells you what is happening on your tongue. Also, add some sensory details while you are at it.

    Also, your essay is very short. Add more authenticity and more verbs in your essay. Make it STRONG!! Make it an essay that can never be revised and what readers want to read over and over again. Make everything come to life. Try to make that your goal. :)

    If you have any concern on what I just commented, please comment on my blog.

    Signed: Shaneika Aguilar

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  3. Hi Rebekah,
    I enjoyed reading your essay, especially the part about ube ice cream, since I now know what it is :)
    And, unlike your peer commentary, I don't necessarily think your essay needs to be longer. You actually provide a lot of specific detail. It's important to be selective when adding detail, adding it only where necessary. And I think you have good specifics when you describe the dish.
    I would agree with Shaneika, though, about adding a bit more about the place this dessert has in your family and in your culture. It doesn't need to be really long, but I think it would add some depth to the essay.
    And I would recommend giving your nephew's age...it emphasizes, without being too obvious, the fact that this dish transcends generations :)
    mrs s

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